FREEDOM

In a world which seems to be limiting our freedom more and more each day, it feels like a good time to talk about what freedom really is.  

Growing up in the country which calls itself “the land of the free and the brave”, I thought freedom was given to us but that seems less and less true these days. I have come to believe it’s an inside job, and for some of us, it’s a lifelong pursuit.  

So how do we liberate ourselves? Because truly, it’s very likely we need to do that before we can be very effective at liberating others, isn’t it? 

First you need to identify what freedom looks like, to you. Have you ever met a person who has a completely different presence than most? One who is so obviously comfortable in their own skin that they embody being human differently than others? They own who they are, speak unapologetically and frankly, don’t seem to care what anyone thinks?  That, my friend, is freedom. That is sovereignty.  

Most of us are not that, most days, are we? 

So many of us spend our entire lives, or much of them, completely focused on fulfilling the expectations of others. It starts early – babies are completely dependent on their caregivers and innately become so charming or so incredibly loud that they cannot be ignored. Their needs, whatever their methodology, are fulfilled and they grow and thrive. Hopefully. I’m oversimplifying, of course, but think about it – they cannot feed, bath, clothe or comfort themselves in the earliest days so they must rely on the attention of their parents or whoever is around. Their lives depend on it. And as we grow, we find other ways to belong, to be cared for, to be loved.  When our basic needs are met, it doesn’t take much effort on the child’s part but for many children, that’s not the case. And so we develop ways to get what we need.  

Often this means twisting ourselves into the shape we believe will best deliver the very things we long for – love, safety, acceptance. If a young female child is a “good girl”, she is rewarded and if a boy doesn’t cry and “acts like a man”, he is as well.  

When I was six years old, I was recovering from a particularly traumatic assault on me - which understandably rocked my parents deeply. I’m guessing they didn’t have the capacity or support to deal with it internally or together, but it resulted in me feeling I’d done something very wrong as they could barely interact with me. I still remember standing on the landing of our stairs on the way to my bedroom and carefully studying the watercolour portraits of young children my mother had found somewhere. They weren’t of me or my siblings, but of these angelic looking toddlers with blond hair sleeping peacefully, their chubby hands posed carefully on the perfectly white pillows.  I had red hair and was skinny and so I decided that if I could memorise their positions and fall asleep in exactly the same way, then maybe my mother would love me.  

Kids will do anything to be loved, won’t they? And most of us continue to do the same, much of it subconsciously, for our entire lives. We become what we think we should be or must be. We follow the rules, the ones that we have been taught or have observed, and often we forget who we really are along the way.  As a society, we have laws to guide us, as well as cultural ways to follow, education systems which enforce both and often religious dictates which molds us as well. 

The expectation is that if we live our lives according to all these guidelines, we will be safe. We will be happy, and we will be free. 

After several decades of being human, I have begun to see that quite the opposite is true. Trying to smoosh a soul which is big and round and creative and sovereign into a square box, so to speak? It creates pain, dis-ease and a host of emotions which only make us feel as if there is something WRONG with us.  This often leads to all manner of self-flagellation and discontent as well as compromised health, mental illness and societal discord. Those who see themselves as being in power use all the above and more to fearmonger and create chaos - all of it leads us to greater and greater unhappiness and discontent.  

It has led our world to exactly what we are now seeing unfold, all around the planet. 

The reporting from every corner of this world is so distressing that many of us are feeling completely paralyzed. 

The bad news is that no one is coming to save us. That much is clear.  The good news is that we can save ourselves. And that process will allow us all to be liberated. It does, however, require a commitment to change which many find challenging.  It has become very apparent that the patriarchy and those who benefit most from it are clinging to their privilege and in their eyes, their God given right to treat those they see as different, as deserving far less, in a very big way.  

It seems that even if it means destroying the planet, they will - if it means not losing all they have and have had for so long.  

So that leaves it to the rest of us, I guess. No one – and I mean no one, wants to step out of their comfort zone. Sadly, the fact is that growth just isn’t possible in that arena and so in order to set ourselves free, we are going to have to let things change. In so many ways. Some of us, say women for example, have been indoctrinated to put the needs of others before our own and until we learn to create space to care for ourselves, we will remain caged in that role and those we care for are also limited in many ways. For those who have always been catered to and allowed to practice weaponized incompetence, (think “boys will be boys”) it will become necessary to look at how this has stunted their growth and independence. 

There’s no one type or gender to blame, in fact no one is to blame. We’ve all been trained to fit in certain roles and boxes. It has been the way to survive in the human race for centuries.

But now? We need to be something different, if we want to survive, to thrive in what is to come.   

We need to set ourselves free, each of us, in order to liberate each other. No matter uncomfortable it is.

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